Mother's Day

Sunday is Mother’s Day. I have always had this vision of sleeping in without kids screaming or attached to my chest but I know that’s not truly what I want. I like spending my weekend mornings with the girls. Its typically their best behaved time, Olivia is usually giggly, smiley and talkative. The big girls are entertaining and not fighting constantly. This mother’s day is different than the last few for a number of reasons. This Sunday we will be baptizing Olivia. Obviously it is later than most kids are baptized but we wanted to wait until we were out of RSV and flu season and she had her 6 month vaccinations. To top it off, on our typical month there is only one weekend where both Josh and I have the weekend off. That brought us to this day. I think it makes the day special because I get to celebrate my baby girl on the day that is made for mothers. It will also be my first mother’s day as a mother of 4. 3 beautiful little girls and my precious baby boy who I am unable to spend the day with.  I have some really good days/weeks where I have my grief in check, it isn’t overwhelming and I can function, smile and enjoy my time with the girls and at work. There are some weeks that is not the case and the littlest things will make me tear up or completely break down. This has been one of those weeks. Baking has always been an outlet for me and I have baked a lot over the past week.  It is an understatement to say it is overwhelming but I continue to remind myself he is always with me. There are little things I see on a daily basis that remind me of this fact. Two days ago as I was driving home I noticed the neighbors had planted gerbera daisies around their mailbox, bright yellow, and they were in full bloom. Beautiful flowers. They are my favorite flowers. They were the flowers we took to the gravesite when we buried Owen. I felt him with me when I saw those flowers. Last night I was doing dishes after my latest baking endeavor (teacher appreciation week, I baked 8 dozen mini cupcakes). There was a dirty cookie scoop sitting in the sink and as the water ran over it, it sounded exactly like fetal heart tones heard over a doppler. I couldn’t help it and I counted the rate… 110. Very similar rate to Owen’s heart rate when I was hospitalized just prior to their delivery. I actually think we have a photo of the monitor with his rate at 109. I basically lost it. Luckily the girls were busy watching Sesame Street and I could have my moment without questions. It’s been one of those weeks…. For the most part I know it’s because of Mother’s Day but I just keep thinking it’s not getting better, not getting easier like everyone has been promising me it will. I can’t even imagine what it will feel like when we celebrate Olivia’s birthday.  My girls help me, keep me busy and I know that I am truly blessed with 3 healthy children. Olivia has done so well, and even recently there are times I think her hearing may be better than we initially thought (BAER is scheduled for May 28 and we will update after we get results, probably a week later).

Mother’s Day is Sunday. I hope all mothers out there feel blessed to be surrounded by their children. For all who have lost children I feel your heartache on this day. The pain may feel overwhelming but for all of us there is a reason we were brought to this situation. Our children are healed in Jesus’ arms and we will be reunited in the future. We have hope, we have love, we have memories even if they are brief. These babies make huge impacts, not only on us but those around us as well. They were brought to us for a reason and although we may never truly know why, we don’t need to. We can see the effect they have around us. Those perfect yellow daisies… making our world a more beautiful place.