I have been working on this for some time and re-reading, deleting and changing but thought I ought to finish it. A few weeks ago I was speaking with someone at the hospital, not from my department or surprisingly not someone Josh knew well. Not someone who knew our story of the twins. As is typical with small talk, she asked me of my children. I always hesitate because I’m not ever sure exactly how to answer that question without making myself and the person asking uncomfortable. I always start with I have 4 and leave it at that unless they push further. She did, and asked boys or girls and then ages. So I told her. Allison 5.5, Emma 3, Olivia 11 mo and Owen, Olivia’s twin who passed away shortly after birth. She had that typical stunned look and asked why he passed. Usually I have retreated by this time so I can avoid a conversation that can push me to tears readily but I was stuck, so I told her Owen’s story. The fact that he was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor at 23 weeks, they delivered at 27 because of his head size and we had 3 hrs and 39 min before he left us. She paused then asked a question I wasn’t prepared for. At first I thought it was rather bold of her, she does not know me, knows nothing of my faith or religious affiliation. She asked if I was angry because I didn’t get my “miracle.” I asked what she meant and she said we knew of the tumor before he was born, was I angry that he wasn’t miraculously healed. By this time I was able to leave so I simply said “no” and walked out, but it got me thinking. I definitely went through an angry stage with the whole situation but that was really prior to meeting Owen. I felt blessed to have time with him because we knew there was a real possibility we would never hold him while he lived. Because I was allowed that, how could I be angry? I think that the question she asked is complicated. It depends on your definition of a miracle. Everyone sees a miracle differently. Yes, if Owen had been miraculously healed I would consider that a miracle. But how many brain tumors have you really seen miraculously healed? Not many. I have faith unlike many people who are in the medical profession, but I will be honest I did not, for any reason expect Owen to be healed. Practicality? The fact that I see brain tumors on a daily basis? I don’t know, but I just never would expected a miraculous healing. But had I had my wits about me I would have answered this way… No, I am not angry. I lost my baby boy, my only boy, child 3 of 4 but I know he is better now, he is healed, not suffering from a massive, obstructive brain tumor. But I will never say I didn’t get my miracle because Owen gave me a miracle. He held on long enough to give his sister a fighting chance. This is my miracle….
My baby girl was born 1 minute after her twin brother. She was born 13 weeks early. She has no evidence of lasting effects of her severe prematurity. That is my miracle.
Olivia turns 1 in two weeks. She is crawling, talking and eating like a champ. That is my miracle.
No NEC, no major surgeries, no intubation, no trach, no peg… That is a miracle. The fact that I can look into her eyes daily and see her brother in her… That is my miracle.
We have two weeks until we again celebrate and grieve on the same day. Think of us on October 9th, send a little prayer for Owen. Gone but not forgotten…
