Delivery

I haven’t yet figured out how to cope with the incredible heartache I am feeling for Owen and the joy I am feeling for Olivia. Not entirely sure how to feel from one minute to the next.

From the last update we had decided on betamethasone injections Thursday and Friday 10/4 and 10/5 to help mature the babies lungs as I had been contracting so much. I know Josh posted of my admission to L&D on Sunday after contracting regularly all weekend. I know I should have presented and been admitted sooner but I was terrified that they would need to deliver the babies and I wanted Olivia to have as much time as possible before being forced into the world that she wasn’t yet prepared for. I also wasn’t emotionally ready to lose Owen. Dr. Michael, one of the neonatologists had said at our appointment on the 4^th that we will understand and know what to expect but we won’t feel it until it happens. He was completely on track with that statement. So we were admitted Sunday, I was contracting every 1-2 minutes with minimal cervical change. They decided to use magnesium to be aggressive in stopping the contractions. Also there have been studies on using magnesium for neuroprotection in babies delivered early so that was an additional plus to using that medication. I was given a 6g loading dose then placed on 2g/hr of magnesium thereafter. Anyone who has experienced this medication knows it is horrible. I had it with Allison as well. My face flushed, I was weak and bearly able to move. I had to have a catheter placed because of the inability to even try to get out of bed.  After the initial bolus my contractions spaced out to approximately 2-4 and hour for a few hours. They then returned overnight with a vengeance. Come Monday I was back to contracting every 2-3 min and had developed excruciating abdominal pain. The pain at that time was similar to when Emma was delivered because of the opening of my previous C-section scar. My scar not holding was one of the concerns of my doctors as well as the fact that Owen had turned head down and was likely pushing which was causing the labor. With the size of his head they were uncertain how long my scar would hold. The pain did not abate with any of the pain medications that were used so it was decided to do an MRI to make sure the scar had not already opened. The MRI was terrible. Even with 2 doses of stadol on board I could bearly stay still and had a terrible experience in that scanner. The final report on the MRI showed that my uterus was thin, but still intact at that point. They did however note that Owen had some blood noted in his tumor. It was decided to use around the clock medications and to try and control pain as best as possible overnight. It is just my thought at this point but I am fairly certain Owen was telling us something. He had had enough, his tumor was starting to bleed and he knew he was on his way out. He needed to be delivered and he certainly showed me that.  There was talk that day of the possibility of decompressing Owen’s head to relieve the pain caused by his head size on my scar. They don’t do that procedure at our hospital and I would have to be transferred to CHOP. It also had almost a 100% chance of being fatal to Owen during the procedure. I one, did not want to be transferred to a hospital with staff I was unfamiliar with and 2 was not going to kill one of my children for my benefit. I just couldn’t bring myself to even think of that as an option. The pain was never controlled Monday night and Dr. Pauli came back on service on Tuesday. We had a heart to heart that morning before Josh got there and she told me that there was something wrong and she really felt it would be best at this point to deliver but wanted us to have the option, no forcing us because we all knew Olivia would be so early and would have a long road in the NICU. I honestly am glad she came in just her and me at that time because I actually listened. Previous to that I had no intentions of letting them deliver me. I wanted Olivia to stay in as long as possible and I felt that as long as I could feel Owen moving I still had him and wasn’t going to lose him. I know you never are, but I was not ready at that time to lose him. Josh came in, she explained the situation to him then she left so Josh and I could discuss what we needed to do. It came down to risking mine and Olivia’s lives if my uterus ruptured. We both had our breakdowns, held each other and cried and made that horrible decision of delivering our babies knowing that this would be the day that our son would die.

We went through the usual C-section prep, spoke with Dr. Michael from the NICU and reiterated our wishes for Owen. We were blessed that day with the teams that were on in both L&D and in the NICU. Everything went very quickly from that point on. Quickly but also very smoothly. Spinal placed, prepped, NICU teams arrived, Josh came in and surgery was initiated. Because of the size of Owen’s head they were forced to do a classical C-section which meant they basically fileted my uterus open in an upside down T shape.  Even with that they still had difficulty getting him out, he was jammed very low in my pelvis in an attempt to get himself out. Owen was delivered at 12:25pm, was transferred over to one of the NICU teams and was stabilized. Olivia was an easier delivery, just up in my ribs and she was delivered at 12:26pm and was transferred to the second NICU team for stabilization.

Owen cried and Olivia came out screaming and throwing punches. Both were placed on nasal IMV and both did very well with such an early delivery. Olivia weighed in at 2lbs 1oz and 13 ½ in. Owen was bigger due to his head size and weighed in at 5lb 7oz and 15 ½ in. Owen was stable and doing well and was wrapped up and given to Josh while on his nasal IMV for support. Josh was able to hold him through the majority of the remainder of my surgery before they took him to the NICU. He was breathing and looked comfortable. He did not appear in any pain which was one of my big concerns as well. He seemed to respond when we spoke to him. He was just as we expected, big head due to the hydrocephalus but not significantly swollen elsewhere. He was beautiful. Olivia was stable and transferred to the NICU first but they gave me the opportunity to give her a kiss before she left. I was very happy about that since when Emma was born she was transferred without me ever seeing her. Owen stayed with us for longer. He then went up to the NICU to be watched until my surgery was finished. It took them significantly longer to close seeing as they had to do significantly more cutting to get the twins out. I was transferred to recovery and watched for about a half hour before we got the call from the NICU. Owen was declaring himself and they wanted us up there as soon as possible. I have never seen so many people rush into my room so quickly. I had attendings, residents and several nurses all getting me up and out of bed (still couldn’t move my legs much due to the spinal) and eventually the chief resident of OB/GYN pretty much picked me up and put me in the wheelchair. They were kind enough to go along with us to get us to the NICU as quickly as possible. We got there and knew we only had a little more time with Owen. It appeared his tumor had started bleeding and he was basically bleeding out into his head. He had a pulse and agonal respirations at that point. He was brought to me and I got to hold him for the first time. I will never forget how he looked and how he smelled. He was the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen.  His eyes fluttered when I spoke to him and I was able to tell him how much I loved him, his daddy and all his sisters loved him. I was able to hold him and cuddle him just like I wanted to. Our pastor arrived in time and we were able to baptize him prior to his passing and had two different pastors pray over him. That was the longest and the shortest hour of my life.

Owen Graham Adams was pronounced dead at 4:04pm on October 9, 2012. This is a day that will mean so much to me for so many different reasons.

The grief I feel because of losing Owen is almost overwhelming. Some days I have no idea how to even process it. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone. On top of this unbearable pain I also have a ridiculous amount of joy for having our tiny Olivia. I think the hardest thing for me at this time is balancing these emotions for the good of Olivia and my sanity. Some days it is ok, some days the balance is definitely off and I just want to stay in bed.

Olivia has done very well over the past 5 days. Hasn’t done anything foolish and according to Dr. Michael is right on track at this time. She is going to have a long stay in the NICU and barring any major setbacks my goal is to have her home by Christmas. It is difficult for me to sit in the NICU for extended periods of time. Because of her lines we are unable to hold Olivia and basically just sit by her side while we are there. As I sit my mind wanders and I start thinking that this is the place that I lost Owen. It just makes it hard to spend a lot of time up there. I have been visiting daily and occasionally helping with her care. She responds to me when I hold her hand and that always makes me smile.

We will be having a family graveside burial for Owen tomorrow. I know I am not prepared for that. We are also planning an open memorial service but have not set up a date/time as of yet for that.

I will never be able to express the gratitude I feel for everyone who cared for us at Hershey. They made things happen I never thought could. Drs. Pauli and Curtain provided me with the best care I could have asked for, were always there to answer questions and provide support and made sure everything ran as smoothly as possible so we could have the maximal time with our son. The labor and deliver nurses were fantastic. They did so much for me and provided more emotional support than I could have ever asked for. The entire staff working in L&D the day I delivered were amazing and I know God was looking over us when that schedule was put together. The same feelings go out to the wonderful NICU team and especially Dr. Michael. He made sure everything that needed to happen did so we were able to spend our time with Owen. The NICU team was very supportive and even made us a beautiful box of keepsakes to remember Owen by. I will forever be indebted to all of these wonderful individuals who helped us to have the most memorable time possible with our Owen before he passed.

This has been incredibly hard for me to write and I have been working on it off and on for several days now so if it seems disjointed I attribute it to that.

I will always remember my Owen. He was the most beautiful little boy a mother could ask for. I have no idea at this time why we were blessed with him but I know there is a reason. I look forward to holding him again one day and until that happens I will always hold him in my heart.